the bothersome losses
the bothersome losses
Margaret Benavides
for the first one, you were too young to be bothered,
and your mom cried when she sang hymns
for the second, you didn’t know you were allowed
to be bothered, and she still looked alive in the casket
and you didn’t know if she loved you,
and it was bothersome
you loved the widow of the third
and thought she deserved better than loneliness and hospital visits,
but no one did anything about it
so you figured no one could,
and it bothered you
the one after that, he took himself, and everyone whispered
"how’d he do it?" like they were not the ones to blame,
and they had a Monday while others vomited grief in the cinder block bathroom
and the empty seat at graduation seemed to stare at you
and it was bothersome
for the next, she was on the phone and said “he’s dead” like
she was talking about a pizza order because she’s always been good in a crisis
and no one knew what happened, and then we did and wished to God we didn’t,
and there wasn’t enough body left for a casket
and you spit Hennessy off the front porch
of some purple house at seventeen because it all,
every justice-starved second, bothered you
the ones after that were ready, and he went first and you breathed
your relief because he’d lost himself and us and her years ago,
and she had one month of pain and being no man’s wife
and then she went, and you held your orphaned mother
and it bothered you
for the seventh, the same widow slept
in the hospital recliners again, and God took back a second last name
and she wasn’t angry, she said, because He answered
her questions the first time, but she was still lonely
and you were old enough to know there is nothing you can do
and it bothered you
for the last, she didn't know, but you did, and you drove six hours
and she was so happy to see you, and she asked you to come back
the next day and you said yes and asked her to get some sleep
and you never saw her open eyes again
and she never knew you came back
and it bothered you.
and now you punish yourself for good days
and beg God to be bothered forever
Margaret Benavides
Writer
Margaret is a young writer and mental health professional from Shenandoah Valley, Virginia. Her work has been published in The Quad of Grove City College.
Photography by Pramod Tiwari