Ekstasis MagazineComment

After Not Drinking Anymore

Ekstasis MagazineComment
After Not Drinking Anymore

After Not Drinking Anymore

Nicole Rollender

The fire I’ve zealously / cast myself into year / after year isn’t / supernatural at all. / This fire smells / of death & seared skin / of a soul gored. / This fire isn’t ecstatic— / doesn’t levitate or bilocate / like a departing saint / setting this world on an otherworldly fire. / This fire isn’t / a sacramental the way / you imagine my heart engorged / with the wrong loves. Yet / God is inside & out / filling this organ with so / much pressure / it’s a conch shell drinking / in all the ocean. / Today could be / the last day / of my life— / or yours. / I came back to tell / you it’s OK to come / back as you are / charred or smoking / or dazzling. But I won’t take myself /out. This fire scorched / in me the will / to live illumined. / Because you’re dust & lichens / a flame at the base / of your heart / I love you. / You’re a wind / a darkness / singing, birds / signaling to each other. / My body isn’t yours / so there are no words / to explain the act / of dying. / A flame darkens / these silences. / This life is alternately / living & leaving /over again / toward a perfect end / waiting inside you / a pomegranate / containing many seeds / of your days. / At a certain point / I had to choose life / this side of heaven. / The weighty chaos of overdosing— / riding fiery adrenaline— / stopped. Then / the ineluctable fragrance / of God / billowing in spring rain / also in the terrible darkness / of blackouts. There’s / still time to love / the ones who left you / find the ones to forgive / countryless you, / find your face reflecting / in a winter ice pond / your knees kneeling / in snow. / The dark compassing / the cold burning so / like the boundless fire / that consumed you / so you can be safe / everywhere.


Nicole Rollender
Poet & Founder

Nicole has this poem appearing in her forthcoming book, The Luster of Everything I'm Already Forgetting, from Kelsay Books in May. She was a 2017 NJ Council on the Arts poetry fellow, and is the author of the poetry collection, Louder Than Everything You Love (Five Oaks Press), and four poetry chapbooks. She has won poetry prizes from Palette Poetry, Gigantic Sequins, CALYX Journal and Ruminate Magazine. Her work appears in Alaska Quarterly Review, Best New Poets, Ninth Letter, Puerto del Sol, Salt Hill Journal and West Branch, among many other journals. Nicole holds an MFA from the Pennsylvania State University. She’s also co-founder and CEO of Strand Writing Services. Visit her online: www.nicolemrollender.com.

Photography by Anderson W Rangel